Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
