Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
