Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
