Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
