My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
