Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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