I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
