ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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