Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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