All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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