So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
