I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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