see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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