God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
