your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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