I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
