She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
