I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
