I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
