Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
