He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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