And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
