If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
