U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
