I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
