Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
