i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
