you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
