woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
