Did you just see the Batmobile???
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
