don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
