when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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