dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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