His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
