you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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