Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
