We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
