I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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