Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My pussy is not your playground.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Randomize
