last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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