Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
