You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Just cropdusted the office
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
