you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
