The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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