Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
