I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
