I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
