So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
