shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
