I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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