You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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