Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
3pm strippers are depressing
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
