I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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