My sheets look like a crime scene.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize