well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize